She tries to be...

I've learned that no matter what you say, that you can't live without this person or that thing you hold so dear-- you always will.  Whatever happens, you'll be fighting.  You'll wake up one day and realize it's been months or years since you last saw the person and you're okay.  You look around you and see the people who have laughed and cried with you and realize that they're the ones who stayed.  They'll also be real for the moment they're there.  And they'll always be real when they've moved on. 

Every mountain I've climbed was real and the experience was hard.  Time dulls down most things, I'm not saying all things-- there are those magical moments that seem as real to you as the moment it happened.  But every mountain I've climbed is now far behind me and there are bigger and smaller mountains that lie before you.

Today is a bad day.  This year is a bad year but so will the next years.  But there will always be the morning when you realize that you're okay.  Things will never be fine and you won't ever be completely okay.  The people you lost are people you lost and the hurt may never go away.

But damn it if you loved them.  Damn it if you kissed them hard and held them too tight.   Damn it if you dreamed a million dreams with them.  They were a part of you and they'll continue to touch your life whether you like it or not.

So love them.  Love the hurt, the pain and the moments you burst out laughing and felt like the best thing in the whole universe.  Smoke that cigarette and lick that ice cream cone like a lover's caress.  Say what you feel without putting anyone down and focus on one task at a time.  Color your room with a million dots, sing a song with all your heart, write a poem and take a picture of the blue, blue sky. 

There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship, each so sovereign that I can detect no superiority in either, no reason why either should be first named. One is Truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another. The other element of friendship is tenderness. We are holden to men by every sort of tie, by blood, by pride, by fear, by hope, by lucre, by lust, by hate, by admiration, by every circumstance and badge and trifle, but we can scarce believe that so much character can subsist in another as to draw us by love. Can another be so blessed, and we so pure, that we can offer him tenderness? When a man becomes dear to me, I have touched the goal of fortune.

The higher the style we demand of friendship, of course the less easy to establish it with flesh and blood. We walk alone in the world. Friends, such as we desire, are dreams and fables. But a sublime hope cheers ever the faithful heart, that elsewhere, in other regions of the universal power, souls are now acting, enduring, and daring, which can love us, and which we can love.

The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I said some things this morning.  And it would be hypocritical if I didn't find the courage to accept my feelings with humility and respect.  I saw him there smiling, but in pain.  I felt it in my chest and I knew how it felt, just a little bit.  Pain is like a toothache.  We can never truly relate to each other's pain but we know how it can be.  And no matter how many times you try to tell other people how you feel, in the end you have to go through it alone.

As I watched him sleep I felt my own heart ache.  He will make it, I'm sure.  He will create and do wonderful things.  He will suffer and endure.  That's the price we pay to feel.  I took a deep breath and prepared for the day.  I was disoriented from the morning's events but I loved watching the clouds as it lightened to a semblance of today.

Before I stepped out I whispered a prayer for you.  Life is wonderful and painful.  It's a world of rainbows and death.  It's a place where people are born while others die.  It's a place where we learn to love and let go.  It's the world that makes flowers and friendships grow-- a physical plane that holds more memories than the stars in the sky. 

Every thought we have in this physical plane is essentially invisible.  How wonderful it is that we have the power to bring thoughts, words and imaginings into a reality shared and loved by all. 

Have you looked up at the sky today?  Cheer up.  It's not so bad to be who you are when you think about it.  In fact, to be you and me is just so God damned wonderful. :)

There were three girls who started choosing names for themselves. One chose the star and she is the star. Two chose the moon, but only one could be the moon. Someone had to be the sun, it's just how things were supposed to go. Neither wanted to be the sun, and both were bent on being the moon. But then... very quickly, the third girl said, Oh don't worry about it, I'll be the sun. Though secretly, she thought the second girl was more like the glowing, bouncing, brilliant beams of the sun that bring life, illumination and joy. For as far as the third girl knew, she was the glowing, luminous and changeable moon, even as the first girl twinkled, isolated and lonely, so lovely and eternal, beside her, over her, around her, as the star.

But the second girl knows she is meant to be the moon, more than the first or third girl. Mysterious and reckless, hazy and clear, the changeling, the cold one, the untouchable near one, powerful and lonely, master of the sea and moods of the world. And the third girl realizes, yes. You are the moon.

So that means... I am the sun? I don't feel like the sun, but then... Gazing gently at her friends, the star and the moon, who reside in the cold comfort of gentle, incredible, soothing night, she slowly realizes that yes, she must be the sun.

In this past triad of memories it is her role, her being. And in the end, I realize, I am the sunbeam, to moonshine and starlight. She will stand as the sun to the vastly preferred maidens of endless night. Here then, is her tribute to the past and now, let it be.

 I've started writing again.  Therefore, something is wrong.  

Is the day I fully realize that you don't give a damn.

My God. It's such an effort to be good and sensible. My God I fucking hate you right now for your selfishness and cowardice. You won't ever pull the wool over my eyes again you slimy bastard.

The moon is humongous. Good times, insane times. May you live forever. This is more than mere bitterness. This is full on exhilarating anger. It's the kind of feeling that could drive you to hurt someone during sex and get tattoos. It's the kind of feeling that makes you question the wisdom of staying alive and searching for the sun shine.

The fact is, life is meaningless when you're alone. You are NOTHING if you're not seen for everything you are. Yes, you may exist in that physical space, a cause for some random effect and maybe you do have a purpose for being there, like the pebble on a montain face. I can hardly go against those happy drug induced philosophies of bearded dead men but God if it means anything more than you're just there BECAUSE. I'm not blaming the margarita for this ramble.

You do not exist if no one cares. If no one holds your hand, looks you in the eye and says, no matter what babe, im there.

I've held their hand so many times before and you know what? They left me. And that's when I stopped being naive. It doesnt hurt any less every time you are rejected. Rather, it builds like pressure in a dam. I'm not ready to burst. God give me the strength to hold it together.

One thing's for sure. You're off the list of people I'd do everything in the world for. I earned your trust once upon a time. You know what? You've lost mine.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Happy Anniversary, Marj and Sheryl Lim. :D

Today I learned a couple of things:  I am a happy girl who likes to do exciting things.  I love the way the world opens up to a new day: With the sun peeking through the clouds on gray mornings and the sun doing a conga across the earth on clear blue sky.  Yeah, that made a whole lot of sense.  Well mostly, to me. 

Today I learned that Eastwood is a very romantic place to visit.  I realized that I love hanging out with outrageous boys and intellectual girls.  Maybe I should also try hanging out with boys of the more intellectual sort and girls of the more outrageous sort. 

Today I learned that wedges are comfortable and maybe they can look good with jeans.

Today I learned that I'm not taking care of myself properly.  So for LENT I want to give up the things that taste so damn good but are really bad for me. 

Today I learned that I love you still.  I think of you a lot and it's like there are bursts of color inside my chest.  I love you I love you I love you.  What more is there to say?  I love you with all my heart.  And it's the kind of love that makes a girl dream of better things:  Better days and even better moments.  Long kisses under the rain and nights cuddled up together in the couch learning how to kiss each other.  Watching fireflies wink in and out in the darkness, staying quiet and staring up at the sky.  There's so much I'd like to share with you because I believe that we'd experience things tenfold when we're together.  I'd like to fight over books with you, argue about this character and that line, did it fit does it rhyme, should it even be considered a classic? 

Today I learned that if you stop believing in yourself you'll fall down, end up shaking your head and find yourself left on the other side, away from everyone.  There are a lot of times when being in the spotlight isn't a good thing.  But even if you're not happy anymore, even when you're uninspired... Never forget to fight the good fight because believe me, you'll regret it more if you give up. 

Today I learned that I'll always love the boys I fell in love with.  Each of them were so real to me that it still hurts when I think of them.  But I now know that some things are not meant to be and some things are.  It's an equal share of somes and mosts I think, especially when it comes to our lives. 

Today I learned that there will be good days and bad days.  What's most important is how you handle your bad days.  Trust that bad days are good days in disarray.  You just have to take a deep breath, step back and look at the big picture.  Then, as gently as a woman doing crochet, untangle the knots and string it back together again. 

Today I realized that I'd rather "speak now" than never.  I will write my thoughts to you without shame or remorse.  I'm not afraid of loving you.  I'm not afraid of loving other people and I'm not apprehensive about getting hurt.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt anymore.  But I can't find my way if I'm not willing to get hurt at some point.  Whenever you put yourself out there, it's a risk.  And in life there are always risks you'll have to take on the path of self-actualization.

You are in my thoughts, like rain on my face when I look ]at the sky, glad to see the shade on the clouds that pass us by.  Grays, blues and whites palette are high on heaven's shore.  You can never seem to pass me by when you know you want more.  Rain, rain.  You love the rain.  You hide from it's touch but you listen as it drops, gently in droves, upon shingled rooftops.

Life has become too wrong to say the right words. 

It was morning
I caught your eyes on me, thinking
You were off somewhere
His mind, elsewhere
But eyes on me

(I give in for a moment
imagine that it's me
maybe you see me)

He blinks, as if realizing
Then he smiles, oh hey
Inside, it clenches
My heart, so painfully

Oh hey, I say

It's how it is,
(In cases such as me)
A boy looks,
and looks away

I'm crying now, as I sit on this desk.  I'm not okay and... as I read the closing paragraph of an email from a friend, I started to cry.