She tries to be...

dfdfdfd

Are you far away tonight?
Lost in your world, alone with yourself.
Maybe life has changed and you're adrift,
Unaware and too aware,
The ship has broken and you drown at sea
Debris all around you, call out to me.

Are you far away tonight?
Apart from the world and moved
To be with yourself and painful thoughts
Don't accept a lie coz you can't believe the truth
That in the end I will hold you
When it matters, I'll be there.

Are you far away tonight?
Lost in dreams and regrets
Thinking no one understands
What's a little sin to a thousand sins
I will heal as I listen, you'll heal as I do
That's what friends do,
I reach out to you. 

Are you far away tonight?
Do you remember the days when all we cared about
Was the next test or game, that book from the library
We hid on the back shelf.  The next trip home
On a bus ride to the future.

Are you far away tonight?
Do you doubt who you are.
You look at the stars with hope
Look at our years and feel my hope
Not gonna give up on you, don't do it
Grab my hand and we'll make it.

Yes, you are loved.
Deep breaths love, take it in.
You're beauty just an inch away
From the sleeping spinner's pin.

Are you far away tonight?
Things change and nights grow shorter
It's time for summer soon
Do you remember?  That lonely birthday
Writing poems for each other.

Don't be far away tonight.
You'll say you can live on your own
That you'll be fine, you'll be strong
It's all my fault anyway, you say
The best thing now is to stay away.

Don't be far away tonight.
Look up at the sky and know that we're there
Old souls of young girls, please don't be unfair
To you and your love, your heart and your mind
My dear, good God, you've always been kind.

When the time comes to see you, it'll be hard, I agree.
But in time I'll recover, my heart will be free
Always, I've wanted, for you to just glow
With hope and due happiness, take away
All that sorrow.

Whatever you say or do
I will stay here beside you
Just give me time, sweet time
I will stay here beside you.

Are you far away tonight?
I'll let you be.  But some day soon,
Come back to me.
 

January 21, 2009
mncocjin

Wixx posted past entries on his multiply site and it gave me the idea to do the same.  Sometimes, entries from the past can speak more to you than what you can think of now.  Actually, I've been doing spring cleaning.  ü  You know, clearing out the clutter of my life.  I've been throwing out letters... Little scraps.  No.  I haven't thrown out letters, but I've been throwing out scraps.  Sometimes I think, hmm... I might need these kiddie notes for a story in the future but what the hell, who am I kidding.  And so, I take these unbound papers of thoughts and notes and type it into the cyber world.  Amazingly enough, I can relate.  

Regret

Sadness. Let's not hate ourselves. Let's not feel worthless. Let's feel like there's a chance to make a chance. Make it easy to say sorry. On second though, don't... Saying sorry is hard because you acknowledge that you make a mistake. Isn't it easier to just turn around and walk away? You can be defensive all you like, and depending on your level of conscience, you can survive it.

The easiest way to forget is to go, but the easiest way to heal is to accept that you've done something wrong. That way you won't have anything to forget, nothing to regret, you won't be running away from something. Instead you decided to face it on and feel the shame wash over you, purging. It's one of the most horrible things in the world, to let go of your pride and leave yourself vulnerable to everything you did wrong.

No barriers, no excuses. Just yourself and the person you feel that you've wronged. I realize that the reason I feel this way is because I have a very high regard for these people I've let down. Not just that-- Their friendship is something I value, enough for me to want to admit my mistakes, tear down my pride and expose my own filth to myself in order to gather up the courage to say that I'm wrong.

Love leaves no room for lies, or pride. I have to remember this as I realize it, after sleeping everything off and rediscovering it when I wake. I'm someone who lets things hit me hard-- I fight the urge to forget and hide behind the power of retaliating fear and defensive hurt-- the desire to wield them is too great. I realize, however, that there's the person in me who is willing to be beaten and exposed-- I don't want to be vulnerable, but I will be. The hardest thing about this is, immediately after I agree to face me square in the face, the temptation to think that I am a worthless human being is to easy to give in to. It's seductive and sensual, it pulls me in-- until I realize that this is another attempt by my cowardly self to hide behind the shield of self-absorption and pity-- If I succumb to it, I turn the situation towards myself again, making me the injured party who could, would, and should, but didn't, because I feel crippled in the world.

I will be strong. I will be wise. I will be aware, and I will fight. I'll have to face myself and who I've hurt. I won't downplay anything into nothing because it is something-- I won't let the patience and understanding of friendship rescue me from the risk of vulnerability. That's another last ditch effort of my cowardly self. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be this way.

circa, 2006

I am scared out of my wits...
I'm ready to let go...

I'm gearing myself up for it.
I'm scared of you.

I don't know what will happen.
I'm scared.

You made me high
You made me fly
You mean the world to me.

The moment that passed
Touched surface, like a pebble
Sweet stirrings in me.

A glow that will never fade
You touched my life, gentle light.
Like stars that shine forever
In all lifetimes, and the next.

You illuminate dark spaces
Just by being.

I am not afraid anymore. ü

I see further now.
I know myself better.
The catalyst was you.
May you always remember.

There is no regret, only hope
There is no bitterness, only gentle echoes
of true emotion and shared stories.

Let tender whispers touch your ear
Every night as you sleep.

I bless you, dear.
When you drift into dreams
Let the day's coming and goings
Bring peace to your heart.

When you wake up in the morning,
The birds sing, so simple are my words
In this simple song with lovely meanings.

It's enough to tell you,
without hesitation and pride.
With all my heart, I love you. ü

Yes. I'm angry. Yes. I don't know what I'm doing. But you know what? It's happening. Let it happen. Let me not be consumed by my anger and resentment, oh Lord. Let this be an entry of nothingness. Let me control my temper. Let me see people as they are. As it is, I want to smack the people involved with me. I want to let loose SOMETHING. I am not the victim. You are not the victim. Don't let yourself be the victim. Don't cry out loud. God!

What am I doing? I don't even want to think about it. I'll sleep this New Year off na muna. I will escape, just for one night. Just for one night.

I feel low. I feel bad. It's hard to pull yourself out of this isn't it? Usually, I notice that things get better as time passes. It's hard to live in a dream when you're faced by cold, hard reality. Why can't reality just leave you alone? Let yourself drift in a perfect dream. But reality is intrusive and welcoming at the same time. It's a guest I can't turn away, no matter how hard I try.

God!!! I suck!!! I need... to practice. Or something. I need to get better!!! Oh. My. God!!!

That rant is now officially over. Breathe in, breathe out. In order to improve, there must always be practice, determination and hard work. Why should I expect myself to be flawless when in the first place, I don't have much practice, determination, and that was hardly hard work. It is arrogance on my part to expect anything better. It was an okay run. If I want more, I should do more. It's that simple.

Having bucket lists are fun and all, but I'd rather have accompanying details/entries to each accomplished item, to share with my kids and grand kids one day. üüü It's a good thing I wrote about item number 15 when it happened last June 21, 2006. ü Wow.. Almost four years ago! :D

Something bothered you all day. I knew it, because I felt your feelings from across the room. I didn't want to. I don't even know why I was attuned to you. We hardly talked, but I've noticed you. The few times we talked, I really liked you. I was drawn to your hidden feelings, and I guess I have to admit. I had a crush on you. Your personality moved everyone, and I see how well-liked and popular you are. It doesn't hurt that you're so damn good-looking. ü

So you were the guy I smiled at once in awhile, someone I didn't bother much because I didn't intend to do anything about a simple crush. But the moment you came in today I knew. You had a mood, a way about you that made everyone who knew you well recoil and stare at you with bewilderment. Why were you acting so harshly? Snapping at everyone when you're usually so happy and easy-going. They all moved away from you today, and those who tried to ask you what's wrong, you pushed away. Instinctively, I knew I was going to be there for you, I just didn't know how.

The moment came. I was outside posting some stuff for our org. It was dismissal time and Ateneo was empty except for us, the REGCOM. You rushed past me with that insane look in your eyes. The storm raged around us, and I knew that something changed. You had chosen this time to snap. I called after you as you stalked past. You glanced at me and through me, looked away and didn't bother to answer. That's it. Regardless of the pouring rain and the harsh winds, I plunged after you, as you disappeared into the dark path, the woodsy area that would lead to CTC and isolation.

You were shocked, needless to say, to see me beside you, shivering and shaking. "Marj...?!" I ignored you and concentrated on shivering. "Marj ano ka ba! Anong ginagawa mo?! Mababasa ka! Ba't mo ako sinundan? Baliw ka ba?"

I just smiled at you, as I shivered and adapted to the shocking impact of icicles on my skin. "E ikaw kasi e. Okay lang naman ako. I want to walk with you. Okay lang ba?"

You were bewildered, temporarily stunned out of your dark mood. You looked me up and down, and considered. After a while, you decided to smile, that slow, gently curving smile. We stood there for awhile after and stared at each other. I looked at you patiently, unwaveringly. We didn't move in the same circles, but I knew. I knew you'd accept me. We were drenched to the bone. I waited calmly for you.

You bit your lip and looked away, amused and surprised. Then you looked back up and said slowly: "Okay.." And then... that smile again. About time! I was freezing. I wanted to move around. ü Our conversations grew deeper and we were both surprised by how much you said to me. And it went without saying that this would all be kept between us and I mean to honor that unspoken agreement.



I walked in the rain with you and experienced wonder. Wonder? Not exactly. I walked in the rain with you and felt different. I was myself before, but I became less as we walked, and more as we talked. A perfect ambiance can do wonders for the human connection. In half an hour we became close so fast, too fast, in a way that wouldn't have been possible outside our stormy circumstance. It was an intimacy forged and forced, that is destined to exist for only a moment, nothing more. ü

There has always been something inherently romantic about walking in the rain with someone, whether that person is a friend, lover or acquaintance. It’s as if you are bonded for a moment in time, in a century old dance that has lain deep in the recesses of my heart. The word timeless, I associate with rain. It reminds me that once upon a time, before houses and electronics, our ancestors lived in caves and took shelter under the trees when rain came, sometimes crying, others dancing... Intimate moments mankind once had with nature, when nothing man-made existed to shield us from the pour.

Except... Hmm...

We are not at the mercy of nature when we walk in gentle or harsh rain. Rather, we are nestled by it, enveloping us in a protective embrace and which allows us to see the beauty of the red skies and dewy trees. It's the way a woman feels when she finds herself suddenly, inexorably restrained and wild in a man's arms, the one who knows her so fiercely that their recognition of each other is gut-wrenching and soul deep. She feels sheltered, safe and awed, knowing the power this man has over her, the capacity he has for brutality and violence, as is the basic nature of man, but chooses not to do so out of love, compassion, tenderness, logic and basically everything that makes human. Restraint in passion, or passionate restraint. To be free to be who you are: the wild, primitive, loving, vulnerable, sensible, reckless, harsh and demanding...

Whew. All that from the rain. Anyway... It's obvious that the walk through a violent storm with a virtual stranger shook me to the core. And you know what? I'm excessively happy that this happened to me. It kinda gives me a preview to who I might be someday... Malay mo.

TheStorm
Light precedes the sound.
Red clouds inhabit the sky.
Rage unknown to me.

Nature holds dominion over mankind. We live in a world of violent tempests, storms, hurricanes, flood, drought, volcanic eruptions and such. Individual human life is insignificant to the power of nature—therefore we must respect it and hope that it will respect us. Man may try to hold dominion over nature, and he does, but he is not ignorant to his limitations. We are truly at the mercy of a higher being and we live with wonder, hope and fear of the omnipotent. But we as human beings are gifted with the capacity to think, to choose and to feel. Whatever happens in the world, mankind will always be one to adapt and strive—to a certain extent.

My point is that nature holds us, we cling to its breast, but we are, as we are, powerful on our own. For we are children of God and physical death and hardship will always be transcended by the human soul.

I won't take the fact that my entry was deleted as a sign of anything. It was a simple, fucking mistake on my part. I am scared for Nerps. I hate that this had to happen to him. I hate that he had to have anxiety.. That he has to live with this fear of possibly having something like this. I am scared for myself. I am scared for his family. I don't know how to be without him. I don't know how to be me without him. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't loved by him, if I hadn't had the honor of loving him. And by that reason alone, he's not allowed to have these things happen to him, even a hint of it should have been forbidden.

But it isn't. It's happening. It's happening now. Tomorrow is the MRI. I don't know what to do. But I know what I am. I'll be strong. I'll carry happiness and hope. That's the best thing I can give him. That's the best thing I can do. I'll do for him what I do best: I'll make him laugh and make him happy. He's my best friend. He's been there for me through my growing up years. He's a part of me. Christian Nerpiol is a part of me, and I, him. We've been together for 7 years. We know each other like no one else in our group does. It's been romantic and passionate and real. And with everything that I know, I will carry him through this with bright eyes and a happy heart. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

I'd like to say it's nothing. But a 12 thousand MRI session isn't nothing. It's something. I've been on the recieving end of life-altering news, so I know the folly of denying that anything's wrong. But because of who he is, and what he can do for the world, I want it to be okay. I want this to be something manageable, not terrible.

I don't know why I'm posting this here, in my livejournal. Maybe because this is where it all started for me. My first home in the internet. This is where it all started. I don't know why I left it, I don't know why I came back. But this is home. This is where this entry should be. Anonymous and unknown, forgotten but still existing. I don't want to share my feelings to my friends, even as it is written here for the whole wide world to see.

I am strong for him. I don't know what the hell is going through his mind and heart. What do you say to a person who has this possibility to carry? I haven't experienced this, so I don't know. I only know that I can be here with him, filled with hope. I only know that he's been everything to me. I only know that he's caring, gentle, kind, funny and realistic. He's been calm throughout all my potential health disasters. I can do this now, for him.

I don't know what's going to happen. My feelings aren't even fully articulated by my heart. Half of me is still thinking this is nothing, that this is just... nothing. A large part of me isn't accepting this as something grave, despite what that little voice is warning. But hey... Maybe a 12 thousand MRI session really isn't anything.

I told him yesterday that if this is serious, I'm going to stop believing in God. Nerps started, and said: "That's not fair..." And I agreed with him after a moment. God, I know that's not fair. You know what else he said to me?

"I've accepted my own mortality a long time ago. And besides, I already did the anxiety thing for one hour. It gets old quickly. Why waste my time being anxious when there's the possibility that I've only got 6 months to live?" I wanted to hit him. At the same time, I was startled by how matter-of-factly he was taking everything. And then he said, "Reaction-formation." And then he laughed.

"There have been better people than me who died even younger."

"Stop saying that! You're meant to be a great doctor, you can't go yet!"

He shrugged. "There are a lot of better doctors out there, with more talent."

I felt like strangling him. "No, no, no! You're different. You care!!"

He looks at me, then looks down. There's a half-wistful smile on his lips. "They do to."

I hate that he sounds like that. I hate that he seems so accepting of something that might be nothing. I hate that we had to experience this. But it happened. And it happens for a reason. But I hate that he said all those things, like he's ready. I hate that it's what people do when things like that happen. They become strong for the people who are panicking. That is why I've decided not to panic. Nerp doesn't check this journal anymore, so I feel safe here.

I feel safe pouring everything out, even as I know that I'm not feeling any real deep dread yet. It isn't sinking in. I still don't believe that anything bad can happen to him. I don't want to believe, not yet. Let me have this moment of dismissiveness. Please, don't let anything happen to him.

1st year college. (pre-burgundy, ^_^)

I love my life. I'm happy. I figured, what's the use of being unhappy when I could be happy? I'd be feeling nothing when I'm dead anyway. Yea! I should be happy while I'm living because I'll be a long time dead. So I'll be happy. There's also this text message that goes, "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to see life beyond the imperfections. So don't say you're happy because everything is alright. Be happy because everything sucks but you're doing just fine." :)

So I'm happy! It's pointless to get down and out when I have a chance to choose the way situations and people affect my life. I can be better than those snobbish people but most importantly I can be better than myself. I just have to be true to who I am. I'll find friends eventually here in the Ateneo. I can't be the only weirdo around right? I've found Jan, the biggest weirdo of all in the pessimistic class of weirdos right? Anyway, I pray for everyone that I love that they may realize their dreams and discover who they truly are and what they want to be.


Almost 6 years ago... :D And it's good to go back and find these things tucked away in a corner of my life.  If at that age I found the strength to be strong despite the overwhelming situation... and to actually decide to be happy back then, despite everything... then I would definitely have that strength, a thousand times over now.  Growing up is all about being better, and I'd be damned if I regressed.

I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO FEAR!!!
I WILL NOT!!!

I AM BRAVE!!!

Why do strange situations happen that cut you in two?  It's fucking insane.  

(for march 21 since i won't be here and the puppy ate my phone,)


the moon has risen,
full and bright
for 72 months

and i still love you
coz you're squishy
and so much fun to bully. :p

see you when i get back! :D

what I love the most are...
(it's always good to take time from busy life and appreciate that which makes you whole...)

chocolate milk. ü
frozen chocolate milk. üüü
dnd with the pbfrs...

climbing up the roof to see the moon and stars alone...
and with friends.  üüü (the surprise of fireflies, butterflies and dragonflies on the roof...)

feeling the cool night breeze on my skin.
taking in the sweet fragrance of jasmine and ilang-ilang on a summer night. ü

walking around las pinas during magic hour and twilight... ü
playing with my dogs and cats. üüü

playing "habulan shadow" and tagu-taguan last night with my cousin. ü

knowing i will always be a playful child at heart. it's in the very core of me. ü
practical magic. ü

having someone who loves me... in all the cliche-ic ways possible... ü

:: Are you more trusting now than you were before?::

I was staring at my clumpy eyelashes when the question came strolling through my head.  On a whim I decided to ask my officemates one by one and got interesting answers.  Stephen threw the question back at me after I was done with my "interviews." 

Without thinking, I just said, "I've always been trusting."  Now, the answer has had time to settle down and I suddenly got an urge to expound on it just a little in writing.  I sincerely believe that my level of trust has only grown to the point that I know when and how to use it and when and how to expect it from other people.  I still distrust strangers with all my heart.  You can't be living and commuting in Manila and not think all people are malicious and suspicious.  Until they prove themselves decent, they're always kept at arm, foot and leg's length.  As for the point of this subject on trust, I trust the best people.  I have found that there are people you can trust yourself to.  But sometimes, when those people disappoint me, I am admittedly crushed to the core.  And after that, I know how to keep them at arm, foot and leg's length for as long as I live. 

Second chances?  Do I believe in it?  Of course I do. But the person better be hell bent in proving himself/herself, and on second thought, I'd better be hell bent on wanting this person back.  Life's too short to hold meaningless grudges.  But life is to precious to waste on people who are not willing to give as much effort to a relationship as you do. 

Granted, I would still be civil, polite and appreciative of their virtues and talents.  But I'll never give them any part of myself.  I would pull them up a cliff if I found them dangling there.  I would even respond to their call for help.  I would also sit with them until help arrives, fix them a cup of tea or something, use my voice to calm their nerves.  But I wouldn't check up on them after that, but I would cordially answer a social call if they did arrive. 

All in all I think I've got that trust thing issue covered.  I'll trust those I love the best.  I'll smile at those I like.  And I'll laugh at those who think to misuse my "trust" when in reality, they never had it.  I will continue to glare at any suspicious folk who bother me as I commute.  And I'll always wear some hope and ninja eye gouge techniques in my pocket. 

I had the pleasure of hearing the mass at Studio 1 today.  I'm so happy that the priest is a Jesuit, who is actually an Atenean schoolmate of Sir Mark (our cutie abs-cbn HR/ODL head) since prep.  I miss hearing mass in Ateneo.  Every lecture is a pleasure. 

He talked about going back to our wholeness... To go back (magbalik-loob) to the person we are supposed to be (when God let us loose into the world to serve our purpose: to make the world a better place) and to remember our mission in this world.

Anyway.  He said the usual stuff I already know like how we are all intrinsically good, and that we all have a purpose to live out in this world.  He asks us to investigate/mediate on/remember who the real us are. 

Wee.  It was a good decision to hear mass today.  :-) It's always nice to know God put us here on earth brimming with goodness and world-changing missions... And that it's never to late to realize our purpose.  I mean, if you have faith in the above, it follows that none of us are here by chance.  We are meant to be here, because we all have our unique call, etc.

Events may prove this otherwise but... Sometimes, it's just nice to believe in something like this. *breathes prayers into the wind and knows that God hears me.*

Stress is good.
Good stress is great.
Stress for Success.

We can make it. We can do it!
And better than that, we can pull them off amazing-ly!
Here's a prayer for the happy, working occupants of 1309:

Love the loop, love the caf
Love the jokes, always laugh (hey, that rhymes)
Mind the time
Banyo breaks, wash off the grime
Toothbrush club, a corny joke
Buy yakult, smile when broke.

Love your work, love your sme's
Buy some basil, save the trees!
Eat She's cookies, spray my pear
Sit on the floor, ignore the chair.

Dance and sing, and dance again
Lotus Notes, your new best friend.

Hahaha. Labo. Whatever.
Amazing. Meetings galore. Hahahahaha.
Kaya toh. Deliverables, here I come.

Wee! (^_^) I've been indulging my craving for cute guys, comedy and the supernatural lately, and I'm so happy to welcome my new beloved addiction, (courtesy of Pawl, ü) Gokusen! :D Yay! On the 1st season I welcome back 2 of the actors who played Domyouji and Hanazawa Rui in Hana Yori Dango!

Wee! I love Japanese Drama, it's just so entertaining to see how much of the live-action resembles the anime... And I guess vice-versa, whatever! *Claps at the Japanese entertainment industry's knack for creating wonderful, laugh out loud tv shows.* :D :D :D Wee! :D

And that is the greatest gift I could ever give myself. ü